How could a sales manager ever let this happen?
Below are eleven things that destroy any hope for this individual. First, the positive. Good material to work with and very few grammatical errors. Now the areas of concern:
1. Three pages, as if I don't already have enough things to read? Be clear, concise, and to the point.
2. Subject line itself stresses me out. Do you want my precious time, for what? Entice me!
3. Could you sperate the salutation from the body of the email? I guess you wanted to save space due to the length or you thought you were sending a text.
4. FIVE "I"s in the first paragraph! Write regarding my interest, not yours.
5. What specifically caught your attention regarding my profile, which profile? A bit more personalization would go a long way in building rapport.
6. Six paragraphs about you before you even mention possible "pain" points.
7. Make it easy to connect with a link to an online calendar.
8. He is unsure if I'm the right contact.
9. Testimonials on PAGE 3! Move that stuff forward. I care more about what your clients say than your blah, blah, blah!
10. Selling before you have earned the right. Too many useless facts not tied to me personally.
11. Bad list. I haven't managed money in nearly two years.
WOW! Unfortunately, this type of email lands in my mailbox all the time. It truly is sad. Then again, on the bright side, it's what keeps me in business! :)
Finally, I sent an email back offering to review his email and provide some tips. He never responded.
Don't let this happen to you. Your email can, and will, be used against you in the court of sales. Have an email you like for me to review? I'll be tough, honest, respectful, and to the point. Radical transparency so you can succeed. Don't hesitate to reach out and get some free advice! Don't have your prospects rule against you in the court of sales!